Metal band

I want to start a speedmetal band that screams responsible, good advice in the faces of young people.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAGH DRIVE CAREFULLY
DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE
DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE
OR I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES
AND CUT UP YOUR INSIDES"

My favorite thing about reddit is when somebody writes out a thoughtful, moving comment and their username is something like DICK_FARTS_LOL.

Stock Dialogue

"Listen, you filthy bitch. You may be better looking and smarter than I am, but keep this in mind: I OWN YOU," I sweetly explained to my dog.

How to Drive Like an Asshole

If you're parked on the side of the street and need to get going, don't bother checking for cars or bicyclists behind you. Fuck them! Merge into traffic blindly like a boss.

Whenever a song you like comes on the radio, turn the volume up as loud as possible and roll down your windows so other drivers can enjoy the music too. This is also a great opportunity to show off your sweet subwoofers - audiophiles can attest to the fact that music sounds best with overpowering, car-rattling bass tones.

Save money on taxis by driving drunk!

Save time by checking your texts and e-mails on your phone while driving. Maintain focus by driving slowly in the fast lane. Cars will eventually pass you on the right to ensure your safety.

If a car ahead of you is signaling to merge into your lane, speed up so they can't get in. They're obviously trying to race you.

Keep your car safe by taking up two parking spots. Better yet, demonstrate your superior intelligence by parking in handicapped spots.

See a good-looking girl walking on the sidewalk? Honk at her and call her "baby" while you whiz by. It's a great way to meet ladies. But if she flips you off, don't worry - she's probably a stuck-up whore bitch slut.

6 Things you can Stop Saying on Facebook

I know it's not cool to say it, but I love Facebook. Facebook is great because I can upload flattering pictures of myself and pretend to be involved in my friends' interests at the same time. And of course I can stalk my enemies and make sure my life is better than theirs. So really, I love using Facebook - I'm not a huge fan of the aggressive advertising and data-mining, but we'll save that discussion for a future post. Instead, let's talk about all the stupid nonsense that constantly plagues our feeds, whether it's an attention-seeking post, unintelligible comment, or a link to the Huffington Post.
You might be thinking, "So why don't you just ignore all the shit you hate? You can hide certain people's posts or just delete the people you don't like." No shit. I know what my options are, but I choose to not perpetuate the cycle of idiocy by allowing it to fester. Believe me, I'm making the world a better place.

So here are 6 things you can stop saying on Facebook:

1. "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers."

What you're really saying: "Instead of offering condolences by phone or in person, or even just being a good, supportive friend to you during your time of grief, I'll just stick to posting a tired cliche so everyone knows how spiritual and caring I am."
Why you need to stop saying it: Even if you are religious and/or believe in the power of prayer, you're doing the absolute bare minimum - thinking about somebody doesn't really do anything for them. Now, I'm not telling you to completely ignore your friend who is clearly reaching out to his/her friends for support. Just be less of a douchebag. And if you're going to offer your condolences, you can spend the 0.02 seconds it takes to actually spell out the words "for" and "you."
What to say instead: If you're going to rely on cliches, start with, "I'm sorry for your loss." Maybe throw in, "I'm here if you need someone to talk to." Just be real.


2. "Well, that's just your opinion."

What you're really saying: "Clearly, I've been proven wrong but can't admit it."
Why you need to stop saying it: Even if Some Guy had said, "That's totally wrong and you're ugly," of course that's his opinion! There's no need to point that out. You're not offering anything to the discussion, except making yourself look like a brat. 
What to say instead: "Oh, that makes sense." / "I disagree, and here is why: ____"

3. Motivational quotes, empty catchphrases, and other meaningless platitudes

What you're really saying: "Posting this Chinese proverb will make me look deep and spiritual, even though I in no way intend to treat others with kindness and compassion."/ "This Marilyn Monroe quote is a shallow excuse to act like an asshole."
Why you need to stop saying it: Literally no one has ever looked at a motivational poster and thought, "Whoa shit, you're telling me I can do anything I put my mind to? I guess it's time to give up the drugs and start treating people with respect." So why would it be any more effective in helvetica or in front of a picture of the fucking stars? And please, enough with the "Keep Calm" parodies. "Keep Calm and Love Redheads?" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
What to say instead: If you want to look spiritual, get off Facebook, light a candle, and meditate. If you want to inspire your friends, do something that will inspire them. And if you think that people who can't handle you at your worst don't deserve you at your best, then do us all a favor and shut the hell up.

4. "lol"

What you're really saying: NOTHING, YOU'RE SAYING NOTHING.
Why you need to stop saying it: You're not actually laughing out loud and what you're saying isn't funny, so why even open your fucking mouth?

What to say instead: NOTHING.


5. "So tired of all these d-bags sending me pokes and friend requests!"

What you're really saying: "I got one friend request from a random person and I'm using that as an opportunity to remind everyone how terrible I am."
Why you need to stop saying it: If you're a girl person on the internet, you've undoubtedly been on the receiving end of a Facebook "poke" or unwarranted friend request. It's annoying, sure, but nobody thinks you're hot shit because of it.
What to say instead: Ignore them. Or if you're feeling social, ask them why they added you, and be a bitch to them privately.


6. "Like/Share if you agree!"

And two bonus real-life examples, courtesy of mindaq, via Reddit:

What you're really saying: "I can't think of another way to get attention so I'm begging everyone to click the 'like' button so I can feel validated."
Why you need to stop saying it: How shitty is your life that you need to poll your Facebook friends on their ability to "like" your status? And while we're at it, this last status update is doubly terrible because of the passive-aggressive message. Oh boo hoo, somebody didn't text you back immediately, so you try to gather an army of Facebook likes to prove that you're not the asshole? That'll teach 'em.
What to say instead: If you're looking for "likes" and comments, say something to elicit the response you're looking for. Or just post a picture of your cleavage.



Fake Facebook status graphics made with statusclone.com