6 Things you can Stop Saying on Facebook

I know it's not cool to say it, but I love Facebook. Facebook is great because I can upload flattering pictures of myself and pretend to be involved in my friends' interests at the same time. And of course I can stalk my enemies and make sure my life is better than theirs. So really, I love using Facebook - I'm not a huge fan of the aggressive advertising and data-mining, but we'll save that discussion for a future post. Instead, let's talk about all the stupid nonsense that constantly plagues our feeds, whether it's an attention-seeking post, unintelligible comment, or a link to the Huffington Post.
You might be thinking, "So why don't you just ignore all the shit you hate? You can hide certain people's posts or just delete the people you don't like." No shit. I know what my options are, but I choose to not perpetuate the cycle of idiocy by allowing it to fester. Believe me, I'm making the world a better place.

So here are 6 things you can stop saying on Facebook:

1. "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers."

What you're really saying: "Instead of offering condolences by phone or in person, or even just being a good, supportive friend to you during your time of grief, I'll just stick to posting a tired cliche so everyone knows how spiritual and caring I am."
Why you need to stop saying it: Even if you are religious and/or believe in the power of prayer, you're doing the absolute bare minimum - thinking about somebody doesn't really do anything for them. Now, I'm not telling you to completely ignore your friend who is clearly reaching out to his/her friends for support. Just be less of a douchebag. And if you're going to offer your condolences, you can spend the 0.02 seconds it takes to actually spell out the words "for" and "you."
What to say instead: If you're going to rely on cliches, start with, "I'm sorry for your loss." Maybe throw in, "I'm here if you need someone to talk to." Just be real.


2. "Well, that's just your opinion."

What you're really saying: "Clearly, I've been proven wrong but can't admit it."
Why you need to stop saying it: Even if Some Guy had said, "That's totally wrong and you're ugly," of course that's his opinion! There's no need to point that out. You're not offering anything to the discussion, except making yourself look like a brat. 
What to say instead: "Oh, that makes sense." / "I disagree, and here is why: ____"

3. Motivational quotes, empty catchphrases, and other meaningless platitudes

What you're really saying: "Posting this Chinese proverb will make me look deep and spiritual, even though I in no way intend to treat others with kindness and compassion."/ "This Marilyn Monroe quote is a shallow excuse to act like an asshole."
Why you need to stop saying it: Literally no one has ever looked at a motivational poster and thought, "Whoa shit, you're telling me I can do anything I put my mind to? I guess it's time to give up the drugs and start treating people with respect." So why would it be any more effective in helvetica or in front of a picture of the fucking stars? And please, enough with the "Keep Calm" parodies. "Keep Calm and Love Redheads?" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
What to say instead: If you want to look spiritual, get off Facebook, light a candle, and meditate. If you want to inspire your friends, do something that will inspire them. And if you think that people who can't handle you at your worst don't deserve you at your best, then do us all a favor and shut the hell up.

4. "lol"

What you're really saying: NOTHING, YOU'RE SAYING NOTHING.
Why you need to stop saying it: You're not actually laughing out loud and what you're saying isn't funny, so why even open your fucking mouth?

What to say instead: NOTHING.


5. "So tired of all these d-bags sending me pokes and friend requests!"

What you're really saying: "I got one friend request from a random person and I'm using that as an opportunity to remind everyone how terrible I am."
Why you need to stop saying it: If you're a girl person on the internet, you've undoubtedly been on the receiving end of a Facebook "poke" or unwarranted friend request. It's annoying, sure, but nobody thinks you're hot shit because of it.
What to say instead: Ignore them. Or if you're feeling social, ask them why they added you, and be a bitch to them privately.


6. "Like/Share if you agree!"

And two bonus real-life examples, courtesy of mindaq, via Reddit:

What you're really saying: "I can't think of another way to get attention so I'm begging everyone to click the 'like' button so I can feel validated."
Why you need to stop saying it: How shitty is your life that you need to poll your Facebook friends on their ability to "like" your status? And while we're at it, this last status update is doubly terrible because of the passive-aggressive message. Oh boo hoo, somebody didn't text you back immediately, so you try to gather an army of Facebook likes to prove that you're not the asshole? That'll teach 'em.
What to say instead: If you're looking for "likes" and comments, say something to elicit the response you're looking for. Or just post a picture of your cleavage.



Fake Facebook status graphics made with statusclone.com

4 Things About LA I wish I had known before I moved here

About a year ago, I decided to move to Los Angeles. Even though I was born and raised in Guam, I had been living in a small town in Florida for several years, so I had more or less acclimated to living in the States. However, I wanted to be prepared before I made the transition to a big city, so I did some research on LA before I made my way out west, but actually living in the city has taught me some valuable lessons, like...


1. You will turn into a different person behind the wheel.
I already knew that LA has the worst traffic in the country, but it's not really too much different from other big cities. You do get used to the congestion, but you will learn to plan your commute around your route and the time of day. Google Maps and Waze are my new best friends, but they're only just beating out the Podcasts app on my phone. I had never listened to a podcast in my life until I decided to upgrade my car stereo with Bluetooth capabilities, and it makes the drive time go by insanely quick.

It's also worth mentioning that despite the horrible traffic, there is a shocking lack of left turn arrows on the traffic lights at many intersections, just solid green lights. This means you can be stuck in the left turn lane while oncoming traffic piles through, giving you zero chance to get across. Luckily, there is a well known rule that Angeleno traffic drivers abide by: when the light turns yellow or red, one or two cars are "allowed" to quickly turn left. But be careful, as sometimes you'll get an asshole running a red light in the oncoming lane.

Overall, driving living in LA can be pretty stressful, and if you're anything like me, there's nothing like shoveling gallons of alcohol into your face to really take the edge off. But just don't do it before you decide to take your car for a spin in the city. I mean, obviously don't drink and drive, but especially don't drink and drive in LA. Despite the fact that LA county averages nearly 36,000 DUI arrests a year, a first offense arrest and conviction for DUI in California can cost you about $12,000 in fees and fines, and your license will be suspended for a year.

2. Your self-esteem will shrivel up like a raisin
HOLY SHIT is everyone here good looking. About an hour ago I was approached by a bum in downtown LA looking for change and he looked like he had just finished up a shoot for the Macy's fall catalogue.

"Spare some change?"

LA is arguably the biggest entertainment capital of the world, meaning that it's packed full of actors, models, and rich people who can afford to become good looking. And while I can't find any statistics on the actual number of plastic surgeons or plastic surgery practices in LA, I will tell you this: there are clinics that specifically advertise themselves as Medical Marijuana card clinics, but also provide "light" plastic surgery procedures, like Botox and Juvaderm. ("Joint" clinics, if you will.)

3. It doesn't fucking rain ever, at all.
To be totally fair, I moved to California during its record-setting drought, but I was fresh off the boat from Florida, where you could expect it to rain every day at 3:00pm. Living in the desert means that many events are held outdoors, since there's no worry of a rainstorm fucking everything up. Amphitheaters like the Hollywood Bowl and The Greek Theater are open air. But when it does rain, it's a huge deal. While I have yet to experience anything heavier than a light sunshower in California, the people here react to small amounts of rain as if they had never seen water coming from the sky before:

While we're on the subject of the weather, I'd like to point out that the beaches here are COLD. The ocean temperature usually hangs out at around 60 degrees - not exactly ideal for someone who grew up in a tropical climate. If you plan on going for a dip in the ocean, be sure to suit up.

4. There's no shortage of things to do. If you've ever talked to anybody who hates the town they live in, they usually have the same complaint: "There's nothing to do here except get drunk." Well, in LA, there's a lot of things to do (and you can probably get away with being drunk the whole time.) One thing I was completely unaware of was the number of hiking spots in LA county, my favorite being Malibu State Creek, pictured below.

Source: hikingspots.com

Not touristy enough? Well, Legoland, Six Flags, and Disneyland might be more your style, but if you're looking for something more laid back, it's always nice to check out Griffith Obvservatory or any other number of museums. LA is also host to all kinds of special concerts and events. You have a pretty good chance of your favorite band or comedian coming through LA at some point, or if you want, you can be a part of a live studio audience for a talk show. I recently went to see The Doug Benson Movie Interruption: Godzilla, and even got to hang out with Mr. Benson himself afterwards. But if all of that sounds too Hollywood for you, why not explore the rich history of Compton and book a seat on LA Gang Tours? Yes, that is for realsies. They have the gangs sign a cease-fire and take tourists to look at jails and graffiti. 

In conclusion, while it took me a while to get used to being dry, ugly, and stuck in traffic, LA has been a pretty great place to live. On that note, I don't think I'll be going on the LA Gang Tour anytime soon, but I'll keep you guys updated on all of my other adventures in the city. Cheers!

The 5 best TV shows you might not know (that were also cancelled too soon)

Whenever someone asks me if I prefer TV or movies, I always go with TV. I like my visual entertainment in short, episodic packages because unlike feature-length films, TV allows both characters and storylines to develop over a longer time. Plots (and subplots) can last one episode, or they can last the entire length of the show. Characters can date around, introducing viewers to a plethora of new people. Or maybe the gang decides to go to Hawaii for a special two-part episode. The possibilities are endless! Well, at least until the show gets cancelled. Booooo.
Of course, sometimes TV shows get too carried away with the idea of "endless possibilities" and wind up jumping the shark*. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, there exists a number of shows that were axed before their prime, like Firefly and Firefly, or the cult classic Firefly. We all miss Firefly, but this post isn't about Firefly. Instead, let's focus on some cancelled-too-early shows you might have missed:

* Caution! Clicking on this link will open the TV Tropes entry on Jumping the Shark, meaning you are at risk for getting sucked into the Tropehole and have little to no chance of ever escaping. Only the strong will be able to only read a few entries before breaking away from the computer. You have been warned.

Party Down

source: eonline.com

Number of Seasons: 2
Why it was great: Despite the fact that it was on the Starz channel, it was the perfect comedy for every young adult in America. The show follows a group of Hollywood burnouts who work at Party Down, a catering company. Adam Scott plays Henry Pollard, a washed up actor who can't shake off his only role (although you never see the actual beer commercial, every time you hear "Are we having fun yet?" you feel like you've seen it a million times.) Other cast staples include Lizzy Caplan, Ken Marino, Jane Lynch, and Martin Starr.
Each episode has the group catering a different event, allowing for a variety of fresh environments and an abundance of cameo appearances. Also, it's fucking hilarious. Party Down is packed with dry humor and quick wit.
Where you can watch it: Amaon Prime (paid) or Hulu Plus
Clip:

Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23

Source: tvguide.com

# of Seasons: 2
Why it was great: It's a show about two girls, but it's not inherently a "girly" show - not that there's anything wrong with being girly, but some people are put off by it. Yes, it's about a Bitch (Krysten Ritter of "Breaking Bad" fame as Chloe), but that Bitch rules, and the dynamic between her and her roommate, June, puts a fresh spin on the straight man/foil pairing. Dont Trust the B-- also launched Eric Andre's career, and if you watched The Eric Andre Show before DTTB, he's almost unrecognizable. Oh, and James Van Der Beek plays a washed up version of himself, and it's pretty fantastic. My S.O. and I aren't fans of Dawson's Creek or Varsity Blues but we got a huge kick out of The Beek.
Clip:

Bored to Death

Source: www.play.google.com

# of Seasons: 3
Why it was great: Jason Schwartzman plays Jonathan Ames, a struggling writer who decides to become a private detective after his girlfriend dumps him. Jonathan's best friends are Zach Galifinakas as Ray, a comic book artist and Ted Danson as George, a rich editor. Each episode follows the nerdy, but affable Jonathan on a different case, usually with disastrous results. It becomes abundantly clear to Jonathan that being a detective for hire via Brooklyn Craigslist ads is nothing like the classic noir films and novels he's so fond of, but he peppers on, weaving through the show's quick-witted dialogue and assortment of New York weirdos. It's important to note that even when Bored to Death gets wacky and zany, all of it feels so real. It's an incredibly thought-out show.
Where you can watch it: Amazon Prime
Clip:

Flight of the Conchords

# of Seasons: 2
Why it was great: Okay, so this one is kind of a stretch because FoTC is probably the most well-known show on the list. But I'm just gonna pretend that you haven't heard the musical stylings of Bret and Jermaine so I can talk about them for a moment.
Now, I'm not normally a fan of musical comedy. I think it's restrictive and predictable. But Flight of The Conchords (the name of the band and the show) is different in that their songs don't necessarily stand alone; instead, relying on the context of the show's events. That makes it sound bad, doesn't it? Well, it's not bad. These New Zealanders know how to both rock and roll. Also, Arj Barker plays Dave, the douchebag, deadbeat "friend" to the 'Chords, and Kristen Schaal plays Mel, the duo's number one fan forever/stalker. Both characters are equally pee-your-pants funny.
Where you can watch it: Nowhere! Well, at least not on Hulu, Amazon Prime, or Netflix, so that means it's okay to use one of those "Is this legal or not?" European streaming sites.
Clip: Spoiler alert! This is the ending to the "Racism" episode, my personal favorite.

Better Off Ted

Source: simplysyndicated.com

# of Seasons: 2
Why it was great: Oh Portia De Rossi, you are no stranger to short lived cult TV shows (grumble grumble Arrested Development grumble.) While Arrested Development's Lindsay Bluth has some similar traits to Veronica in Better Off Ted, her role as Ted's boss really flexes her "lovable sociopath" muscles.
The show centers around Veridian Dynamics, a truly evil and soulless corporation filled to the brim with cynical employees. Even though the show teeters on the hyper-unrealistic (weaponized pumpkins and cryogenic chambers are the norm in this universe), Better Off Ted's characters and their interactions are relatable enough to make you believe.
Where you can watch it: Netflix
Clip: Two clips! The first is a Veridian Dynamics "commercial," and the second is a clip from the actual show. Enjoy!