How to Write a Profile for OKCupid

In my previous post, I shared a message I received on OKCupid. For those of you who are interested in who the author of this totally-not-creepy (he can give you a list of 5 references to attest to this within 48 hours, excluding weekends and holidays) mass proposal. Interested? Take a look at his "Self Summary" section on his profile. This is exactly as it appears, paragraphed to enhance readability, and even though this is a public profile, I took out information that would easily make him identifiable:

My self-summary
https://www.facebook.com/[removed]
http://www.linkedin.com/in/[removed]
Old Autobio from Grad School Apps:
[Actual first and last name]: AUTOBIOGRAPHY
On a characteristically chilly day in March, I was born near the Brigham Young University in the city of Provo, Utah, a proverbial empty canvas. There was no fanfare to herald my birth, but it was still a day that has great relevance in my life. After all, it was the humble beginning of my life and my journey. A few years later in Albuquerque, New Mexico, my sister became a welcome addition to the [last name] household. My father was very content with his first job in the United States upon successful completion of his Masters in Civil Engineering at Brigham Young University.

Unfortunately, the economy began to dip not long after he began work and after a couple of months my father was laid off. Heeding the advice from family and friends, my father decided that our family was going to move out to California in search of new opportunities. It was not long before we made Southern California our home. I completed all of my schooling in Southern Californian public schools which are collectively known for their emphasis on academic excellence. 

How to Get a Date on OKCupid

I have a couple of trollfiles on the OKCupid, which I know, is completely lame, maybe even lamer than having a legitimate OKCupid profile. More on that later.

Yesterday I received an interesting message from an OKCupid user. It was lengthy and free from grammatical errors, which is a nice break from the typical "how u diung" or the less friendly "hey bitch can i have ur number?" messages I'm used to getting.

It started out normal enough: 

"My Modest But A Tad Blunt Proposal IV (one (in)decent proposal deserves another!) To meet up with you in person because I consider you to be interesting/attractive based on your profile."

Fun Facts about Guam!

Five years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave Guam to move to the States. Even though I've adjusted to life in the mainland, I still miss my home island terribly. It's hard not to be reminded that I'm so far away from home, especially after I tell someone where I'm from. I get a lot of questions like, "You're from Guam? So what are you, Guamese?" and "WHY COME UR ENGLISH SO DANG GOOD?" and of course, the ever pervasive, "What...uh...what is Guam?"
So here it is, a compilation of fun facts about Guam, compiled by a Guamanian.

1. Guam is an American territory, meaning the inhabitants speak ENGLISH, follow federal laws (but not strictly), and use American currency (flagrantly.) We even have their own Congresswoman, who infamously set the island back 50 years in an interview with Stephen Colbert.

2. Guam is hot, small, and far away.
Don't believe me? Check out The Fucking Weather.

The coldest night in Guam won't ever slip below 70°, and in the daytime, it's in the high 80's/low 90's. It's very humid, and yeah, it's fucking hot. Luckily, Guam looks like this:

Beautiful, I know. So where is this sultry, gorgeous paradise located? Let's take a look at a map of Asia Pacific.

I refuse to find a better map.

See that dot? That might be Guam. I really like how this particular cartographer chose to used MS Paint to draw a purple box the size of Korea to locate an island that's...I dunno, somewhere in that line of other dots. 

3. People from Guam are called "Guamanians." The indigenous people are called "Chamorros." Spell check refuses to recognize either term. Seriously, type them out, and you'll see those damn red squiggly lines.

Or you can use the more colloquial term, "Guammie Bears."

4. While the Chamorros make up about a third of the island's population, you'll be hard pressed to find a "pure" Chamorro person. See, in the 1500's, Spain was all like, "Hey, this island looks like a good place to party!" and took over for about 350 years, partied with all the local women, and produced a lot of Spanish-Chamorro babies. That's why a lot of Chamorro last names sound Hispanic (Bautista, Castro, etc.) It's also why the Chamorro language is strikingly similar to Spanish.

SPANISH = RED CHAMORRO = ORANGE

ESPIA/ESPIA = spy

LIBRO/LEPBLO = book

VERDE/BETDE = green

ESPEJO/ESPEHU = mirror

CUENTOS/KUENTOS = talk

CUANTO/KUANTO = how much?

PUERTA/POTTA = door

COBARDE/KOBATDE = coward

QUE HORA ES/KI ORA GENAO = what time is it?

(Source: The Chamorro Language Blogspot)

5. Guam has a fantastic habit of taking the best bits and pieces of everyone else's culture, and then calling it "our own." Example: Only noobs call beach footwear "sandals" or even worse, "flip-flops." In Guam, slippers are called "zori" (plural: "zoris/zories"), the same word in Japanese. And Guam also took Japan's delicious food and wacky cartoons and candies.

It tastes better than it sounds.

To be fair, they did colonize Guam for two years back in the 1940's, so TAKE THAT, JAPAN. Actually, I'd say we're about even.
And these days, Guam gets along great with Japan. In fact, Japanese tourists outnumber tourists from any other country by far. Can you blame them? They can come to this warm tropical paradise go diving in Marianas Trench, and visit the places their ancestors used to slaughter the indigenous people. But hey, there are many other tourist hotspots, like Two Lover's Point, the Sea Walker, and...K-Mart.

Seriously, the K-Mart is a stop on every Guamanian tourist bus line. Why? Guam boasts the largest K-Mart in the world.

Every drunk Guamanian ever has found themselves here at the end of the night.

Because Guam is so close to Southeast Asia, it's understandable that most of the island's population is Southeastern Asian, particularly Filipino. 

This is balut, and it is something the Philippines brought to the island, apparently because they hate us.

6. While we're on the subject of stealing cultures, let's not forget about the motherland - the US of A. Guam consumes more Spam, Tabasco sauce, and Bud Ice per capita than any other place in the world. (I'm not 100% on the Bud Ice statistic, but it sounds correct.)

Not like we're necessarily proud of any of this.

In fact, Spam actually produced "limited edition" Spam cans just for Guam. 

I hope you enjoyed this list, and more importantly, I hope you enjoy fact-checking this list on Guam's Wikipedia page.

The Problem with Zipcar.

I love going to college.
Well, I love being in college. The process of actually going to class is a different educational experience altogether. It's kind of like your mother's "Well, I hope you learned something" lecture, even though you really didn't learn anything and instead you're just mad at the asshole cop who gave you a speeding ticket because you were in a rush to be on time to your Macroeconomics exam. And then you wonder if you could have avoided a ticket if you didn't have to deal with the plague of transportation problems commonly found in educational institutions. The buses are late, parking decals are expensive, there aren't enough spots to park in, and even when there are spaces, they're nowhere near where you need to be. Why hasn't anyone done something about this? If they do, there's no way it could make things worse, right?
Enter Zipcar.

You can bet that's my personal e-mail account, too.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Zipcar, here are some things you should know:

1. Zipcar is a car rental company.
2. Daily Zipcar rentals start at $66. This does not include application fees or membership fees. Oh, and that's only the weekdays. Weekend daily rates start at $72 a day.
3. Zipcar markets itself as an easy, inexpensive, eco-friendly alternative to other traditional car rental companies. 
4. Zipcar is a fantastic way to squander money and time.

Allow me to elaborate.

Zipcar aims its transportation services towards a certain breed of college students - you know, the type of college student that has thrown out traditional methods of transportation like walking, biking, riding a scooter, taking the bus, or driving any car that isn't a rental car. No, Zipcar's target demographic absolutely will not stand to own a car or borrow one from a friend! They're willing to pay $66 a day to borrow a car! But what if my primary method of transportation broke down and I need a quick way to get to class? Not to fear, I can simply go online and fill out an application, give out my driver's license information, pay an application fee, and wait to get accepted as a member! 

Oh wait. This stock photo of an application is blank.

I can't think of a single worst-case scenario in which Zipcar would be the most viable solution. Or even serve as a good backup plan. In fact, I'm starting to think that Zipcar is the worst-case scenario. The zipcar website is a bit of a mystery in itself, withholding much of its important information - such as eligibility, fees, and how the “sharing” process works - from prospective consumers until they create an account. It's hard to find information on what Zipcar actually does or how they operate, but don't worry, this chart should explain everything:

From the site:

1. Reserve one of our cars - for a couple hours or the entire day. 
Yes, the first step in reserving a car is reserving the car. Picking cars out online? Figuring out where to pick them up? No idea, you just gotta reserve it, bro. 

2. Do it online or use a phone. We're easy.  
You heard them. They're hip. They have internet. They have telephones. Never mind that almost every business everywhere in everything has a website and a phone call, these guys are all about being easy.

3. Walk to the car 
Hold it right there. WALK TO THE CAR? Okay, I'd understand this if I was at an airport (where I'd have to make my way through a labyrinth of baggage claims, TSA beauacracy, and moving sidewalks), but Zipcar works locally, meaning no one-way trips, meaning you have to transport yourself and ditch your method of transportation to get their transportation.

...Then just hold your card up to the windshield! The doors will unlock, and then it's all yours! 
Zipcar just got cooler. To hell with keys. Hold your card up to the car window like a rockstar! That'll be $68 please. 

4. Drive away... and return to the same reserved parking spot at the end of your reservation. It's that simple. And remember, gas and insurance are included too. Drive away. Far away. In a circle. And remember, late fees start at $50, so you better circle the city quick.

If you want to learn more or jump right in and apply, go right ahead. If you're still looking at the screen with blood coming out of your ears, take a little visit around the other pages of the Zipcar website, but if you're looking for detailed information, you might have to do some serious clicking.

The information that is available includes Zipcar’s tagline, “wheels when you need them,” which is a touch misleading. Go ahead, toss Zipcar a bone and give them your zipcode. It's the only way you can get to the FAQ section, and find gems like:

I love this answer, and its beat-around-the-bush approach, beginning with “it's natural for new members to worry that cars won't be available when they want them," as if you've just realized that you made a horrible mistake. Don't worry, that "OH SHIT WHAT DID I DO" feeling is natural. If it still feels unnatural and  “if the Zipcar right around the corner isn't available, you'll still be able reserve one located only a few blocks away.” This is probably the most important question on the website and should serve as the foundation of the company’s authenticity, yet the “wheels when you need them” could be blocks away, presupposing the customer can easily traverse several blocks and ignore everyday time constraints to find a car. By the way, here is a map of all nine Zipcars available in Gainesville and where they're located:

Yes, Zipcar names their cars. Yes, "Badabing" is a name they use. It's all real.

 Hey, these locations don't seem too bad for people that live near the University of Florida's welcome center, right? Well, if you can't find one of their "grand selection" of nine cars in one location, it's okay dude, you can just walk over to the next Zipcar office. Assuming you have the time. And assuming you're already at one of the three locations that are within walking distance of each other. Also assuming that haven't looked up the other cars in the other locations, because as of this writing, only two of those three spots only have cars to rent.
  Another important question, “How do I get the keys?” is actually answered with “You don't have to go anywhere to get them, they'll be waiting for you in the car in a super-secret spot. Shhhh..." Thanks Zipcar, but we already figured out you're trying to dazzle us with a basic card reader, but it still doesn't answer the question. "How do I get the keys?" is not the same as "Where are the keys?" or even "How am I supposed to find the keys if I'm not going anywhere to find them?" Duh, because it's not a key, it's a card! SHHHH IT'S A SECRET. Don't worry, you can solve the mystery once you pay. Check out the “rates” tab, which directs you to “occasional driving plans.”

   

The “plans” - pluralized - literally stop at the sole disclaimer pictured above. While the website tries to massage local customers into signing up for the only plan available, incentives like “no deposit” and “no monthly commitment,” are shadowed by the application fee (on par with a deposit) and the annual fee, so if customers don’t want a monthly commitment, they’re forced into a yearly commitment. If customers read the fine grey print and still choose to ignore the fact that a damage fee of a nonexistent number following a dollar sign may apply if an accident occurs, they can fill out an application.

Of course, the application process is, like most of the website, available after personal information, such as an e-mail address, home address, and credit card numbers, is first given to Zipcar. Once logged in, students get to “pick a plan, any plan” from the following list:

   

          HEY WAIT A SECOND, THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR. Yes, the solitary “Sponsored Plan” is almost identical to the “occasional plan” mentioned above.  Besides the hesitation to remain consistent with capitalizing letters properly, the Sponsored Plan differs with a $25 reduction in the annual fee and the complete removal of the application fee. Clearly, “sponsored plan is the smart choice,” in that customers don’t have a choice. And in Zipcar’s attempt to gain approval from college students by using a more lackadaisical vernacular, the plan is perfect “if the thought of a monthly commitment gives you the shivers, you aren't sure how often you'll drive, or "you own a car, but have the occasional need for another buggy.” Yes, if you're afraid of short-term commitment, then long-term commitment is for you!
          Students that have no sense of a transportation routine don’t seem to benefit much either, as a $66-68 day fee exceeds the cost of daily gasoline expenses that most students with vehicles have. Let's look at Gainesville, Florida. Even if students drive a hefty 15 miles a day, at the local average of $3.40/gallon, their daily gas expense falls at $51. Nonetheless, Zipcar acknowledges those who are already own a car, offering them outrageous rental fees if they “have the occasional need for another buggy." The need, of course, is specific to wealthy drivers who already have a car and use outdated slang like "buggy." Although the 180 “free” miles are a bonus compared to other rental car companies that cater to people who actually need rental cars and not college students. Zipcar knows these miles are a good deal. Well, a good deal on Zipcar's end, because most college students don't need to drive 180 miles in a day, but this allows Zipcar to charge the exorbitant prices they do.

I don't want to leave out the other cities and universities with a Zipcar presence, so let's conclude with my favorite Zipcar infograph, found on the "Is Zipcar for me?" section.

          Oh come on. There are better solutions to all of these scenarios. The statement "I want to do my part to take care of the planet" has never been uttered before the words "I should rent a Zipcar." Let's pretend that Zipcar isn't grasping at straws by claiming that they've hopped on the environmentally-friendly bandwagon. I don't know what mathematical formula they used to come up with 1(Zipcar)=(15)cars, but it somehow adds up to the 180 miles you get to drive in a day. MATH!
          But what if "I want to save money?" Easy: don't rent a Zipcar. Zipcar customers that save more than $500 compared to car ownership don't get to own that car. And don't you dare tell me this is a better alternative than a taxi. Taxis beat Zipcar, no contest. You call up a taxi cab, he comes by and scoops you up and drops you where you want and he's gone. With the Zipcar, you're stuck with the car, but not stuck long enough to claim ownership. Also, you're paying hourly for however long you're staying at where you need to be, and you have to bring the car back to the Zipcar parking lot. Let me reiterate this again - against anything, Zipcar loses, NO CONTEST.

Gregor Sizzamsa

If I ever woke up as a giant cockroach, the first thing I would do is kill Sarah Palin. Then I would go do some other cockroach stuff and maybe freak out some of my friends.