4 Things About LA I wish I had known before I moved here

About a year ago, I decided to move to Los Angeles. Even though I was born and raised in Guam, I had been living in a small town in Florida for several years, so I had more or less acclimated to living in the States. However, I wanted to be prepared before I made the transition to a big city, so I did some research on LA before I made my way out west, but actually living in the city has taught me some valuable lessons, like...


1. You will turn into a different person behind the wheel.
I already knew that LA has the worst traffic in the country, but it's not really too much different from other big cities. You do get used to the congestion, but you will learn to plan your commute around your route and the time of day. Google Maps and Waze are my new best friends, but they're only just beating out the Podcasts app on my phone. I had never listened to a podcast in my life until I decided to upgrade my car stereo with Bluetooth capabilities, and it makes the drive time go by insanely quick.

It's also worth mentioning that despite the horrible traffic, there is a shocking lack of left turn arrows on the traffic lights at many intersections, just solid green lights. This means you can be stuck in the left turn lane while oncoming traffic piles through, giving you zero chance to get across. Luckily, there is a well known rule that Angeleno traffic drivers abide by: when the light turns yellow or red, one or two cars are "allowed" to quickly turn left. But be careful, as sometimes you'll get an asshole running a red light in the oncoming lane.

Overall, driving living in LA can be pretty stressful, and if you're anything like me, there's nothing like shoveling gallons of alcohol into your face to really take the edge off. But just don't do it before you decide to take your car for a spin in the city. I mean, obviously don't drink and drive, but especially don't drink and drive in LA. Despite the fact that LA county averages nearly 36,000 DUI arrests a year, a first offense arrest and conviction for DUI in California can cost you about $12,000 in fees and fines, and your license will be suspended for a year.

2. Your self-esteem will shrivel up like a raisin
HOLY SHIT is everyone here good looking. About an hour ago I was approached by a bum in downtown LA looking for change and he looked like he had just finished up a shoot for the Macy's fall catalogue.

"Spare some change?"

LA is arguably the biggest entertainment capital of the world, meaning that it's packed full of actors, models, and rich people who can afford to become good looking. And while I can't find any statistics on the actual number of plastic surgeons or plastic surgery practices in LA, I will tell you this: there are clinics that specifically advertise themselves as Medical Marijuana card clinics, but also provide "light" plastic surgery procedures, like Botox and Juvaderm. ("Joint" clinics, if you will.)

3. It doesn't fucking rain ever, at all.
To be totally fair, I moved to California during its record-setting drought, but I was fresh off the boat from Florida, where you could expect it to rain every day at 3:00pm. Living in the desert means that many events are held outdoors, since there's no worry of a rainstorm fucking everything up. Amphitheaters like the Hollywood Bowl and The Greek Theater are open air. But when it does rain, it's a huge deal. While I have yet to experience anything heavier than a light sunshower in California, the people here react to small amounts of rain as if they had never seen water coming from the sky before:

While we're on the subject of the weather, I'd like to point out that the beaches here are COLD. The ocean temperature usually hangs out at around 60 degrees - not exactly ideal for someone who grew up in a tropical climate. If you plan on going for a dip in the ocean, be sure to suit up.

4. There's no shortage of things to do. If you've ever talked to anybody who hates the town they live in, they usually have the same complaint: "There's nothing to do here except get drunk." Well, in LA, there's a lot of things to do (and you can probably get away with being drunk the whole time.) One thing I was completely unaware of was the number of hiking spots in LA county, my favorite being Malibu State Creek, pictured below.

Source: hikingspots.com

Not touristy enough? Well, Legoland, Six Flags, and Disneyland might be more your style, but if you're looking for something more laid back, it's always nice to check out Griffith Obvservatory or any other number of museums. LA is also host to all kinds of special concerts and events. You have a pretty good chance of your favorite band or comedian coming through LA at some point, or if you want, you can be a part of a live studio audience for a talk show. I recently went to see The Doug Benson Movie Interruption: Godzilla, and even got to hang out with Mr. Benson himself afterwards. But if all of that sounds too Hollywood for you, why not explore the rich history of Compton and book a seat on LA Gang Tours? Yes, that is for realsies. They have the gangs sign a cease-fire and take tourists to look at jails and graffiti. 

In conclusion, while it took me a while to get used to being dry, ugly, and stuck in traffic, LA has been a pretty great place to live. On that note, I don't think I'll be going on the LA Gang Tour anytime soon, but I'll keep you guys updated on all of my other adventures in the city. Cheers!

How to Write a Profile for OKCupid

In my previous post, I shared a message I received on OKCupid. For those of you who are interested in who the author of this totally-not-creepy (he can give you a list of 5 references to attest to this within 48 hours, excluding weekends and holidays) mass proposal. Interested? Take a look at his "Self Summary" section on his profile. This is exactly as it appears, paragraphed to enhance readability, and even though this is a public profile, I took out information that would easily make him identifiable:

My self-summary
https://www.facebook.com/[removed]
http://www.linkedin.com/in/[removed]
Old Autobio from Grad School Apps:
[Actual first and last name]: AUTOBIOGRAPHY
On a characteristically chilly day in March, I was born near the Brigham Young University in the city of Provo, Utah, a proverbial empty canvas. There was no fanfare to herald my birth, but it was still a day that has great relevance in my life. After all, it was the humble beginning of my life and my journey. A few years later in Albuquerque, New Mexico, my sister became a welcome addition to the [last name] household. My father was very content with his first job in the United States upon successful completion of his Masters in Civil Engineering at Brigham Young University.

Unfortunately, the economy began to dip not long after he began work and after a couple of months my father was laid off. Heeding the advice from family and friends, my father decided that our family was going to move out to California in search of new opportunities. It was not long before we made Southern California our home. I completed all of my schooling in Southern Californian public schools which are collectively known for their emphasis on academic excellence.