I love going to college.
Well, I love being in college. The process of actually going to class is a different educational experience altogether. It's kind of like your mother's "Well, I hope you learned something" lecture, even though you really didn't learn anything and instead you're just mad at the asshole cop who gave you a speeding ticket because you were in a rush to be on time to your Macroeconomics exam. And then you wonder if you could have avoided a ticket if you didn't have to deal with the plague of transportation problems commonly found in educational institutions. The buses are late, parking decals are expensive, there aren't enough spots to park in, and even when there are spaces, they're nowhere near where you need to be. Why hasn't anyone done something about this? If they do, there's no way it could make things worse, right?
Enter Zipcar.
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| You can bet that's my personal e-mail account, too. |
For those of you who aren't familiar with Zipcar, here are some things you should know:
- Zipcar is a car rental company.
- Daily Zipcar rentals start at $66. This does not include application fees or membership fees. Oh, and that's only the weekdays. Weekend daily rates start at $72 a day.
- Zipcar markets itself as an easy, inexpensive, eco-friendly alternative to other traditional car rental companies.
- Zipcar is a fantastic way to squander money and time.
Allow me to elaborate.
Zipcar aims its transportation services towards a certain breed of college students - you know, the type of college student that has thrown out traditional methods of transportation like walking, biking, riding a scooter, taking the bus, or driving any car that isn't a rental car. No, Zipcar's target demographic absolutely will not stand to own a car or borrow one from a friend! They're willing to pay $66 a day to borrow a car! But what if my primary method of transportation broke down and I need a quick way to get to class? Not to fear, I can simply go online and fill out an application, give out my driver's license information, pay an application fee, and wait to get accepted as a member!
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| Oh wait. This stock photo of an application is blank. |
I can't think of a single worst-case scenario in which Zipcar would be the most viable solution. Or even serve as a good backup plan. In fact, I'm starting to think that Zipcar is the worst-case scenario. The zipcar website is a bit of a mystery in itself, withholding much of its important information - such as eligibility, fees, and how the “sharing” process works - from prospective consumers until they create an account. It's hard to find information on what Zipcar actually does or how they operate, but don't worry, this chart should explain everything:
From the site:
1. Reserve one of our cars - for a couple hours or the entire day.
Yes, the first step in reserving a car is reserving the car. Picking cars out online? Figuring out where to pick them up? No idea, you just gotta reserve it, bro.
2. Do it online or use a phone. We're easy.
You heard them. They're hip. They have internet. They have telephones. Never mind that almost every business everywhere in everything has a website and a phone call, these guys are all about being easy.
3. Walk to the car
Hold it right there. WALK TO THE CAR? Okay, I'd understand this if I was at an airport (where I'd have to make my way through a labyrinth of baggage claims, TSA beauacracy, and moving sidewalks), but Zipcar works locally, meaning no one-way trips, meaning you have to transport yourself and ditch your method of transportation to get their transportation.
...Then just hold your card up to the windshield! The doors will unlock, and then it's all yours!
Zipcar just got cooler. To hell with keys. Hold your card up to the car window like a rockstar! That'll be $68 please.
4. Drive away... and return to the same reserved parking spot at the end of your reservation. It's that simple. And remember, gas and insurance are included too. Drive away. Far away. In a circle. And remember, late fees start at $50, so you better circle the city quick.
If you want to learn more or jump right in and apply, go right ahead. If you're still looking at the screen with blood coming out of your ears, take a little visit around the other pages of the Zipcar website, but if you're looking for detailed information, you might have to do some serious clicking.
The information that is available includes Zipcar’s tagline, “wheels when you need them,” which is a touch misleading. Go ahead, toss Zipcar a bone and give them your zipcode. It's the only way you can get to the FAQ section, and find gems like:
I love this answer, and its beat-around-the-bush approach, beginning with “it's natural for new members to worry that cars won't be available when they want them," as if you've just realized that you made a horrible mistake. Don't worry, that "OH SHIT WHAT DID I DO" feeling is natural. If it still feels unnatural and “if the Zipcar right around the corner isn't available, you'll still be able reserve one located only a few blocks away.” This is probably the most important question on the website and should serve as the foundation of the company’s authenticity, yet the “wheels when you need them” could be blocks away, presupposing the customer can easily traverse several blocks and ignore everyday time constraints to find a car. By the way, here is a map of all nine Zipcars available in Gainesville and where they're located:
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| Yes, Zipcar names their cars. Yes, "Badabing" is a name they use. It's all real. |
Hey, these locations don't seem too bad for people that live near the University of Florida's welcome center, right? Well, if you can't find one of their "grand selection" of nine cars in one location, it's okay dude, you can just walk over to the next Zipcar office. Assuming you have the time. And assuming you're already at one of the three locations that are within walking distance of each other. Also assuming that haven't looked up the other cars in the other locations, because as of this writing, only two of those three spots only have cars to rent.
Another important question, “How do I get the keys?” is actually answered with “You don't have to go anywhere to get them, they'll be waiting for you in the car in a super-secret spot. Shhhh..." Thanks Zipcar, but we already figured out you're trying to dazzle us with a basic card reader, but it still doesn't answer the question. "How do I get the keys?" is not the same as "Where are the keys?" or even "How am I supposed to find the keys if I'm not going anywhere to find them?" Duh, because it's not a key, it's a card! SHHHH IT'S A SECRET. Don't worry, you can solve the mystery once you pay. Check out the “rates” tab, which directs you to “occasional driving plans.”
The “plans” - pluralized - literally stop at the sole disclaimer pictured above. While the website tries to massage local customers into signing up for the only plan available, incentives like “no deposit” and “no monthly commitment,” are shadowed by the application fee (on par with a deposit) and the annual fee, so if customers don’t want a monthly commitment, they’re forced into a yearly commitment. If customers read the fine grey print and still choose to ignore the fact that a damage fee of a nonexistent number following a dollar sign may apply if an accident occurs, they can fill out an application.
Of course, the application process is, like most of the website, available after personal information, such as an e-mail address, home address, and credit card numbers, is first given to Zipcar. Once logged in, students get to “pick a plan, any plan” from the following list:
HEY WAIT A SECOND, THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR. Yes, the solitary “Sponsored Plan” is almost identical to the “occasional plan” mentioned above. Besides the hesitation to remain consistent with capitalizing letters properly, the Sponsored Plan differs with a $25 reduction in the annual fee and the complete removal of the application fee. Clearly, “sponsored plan is the smart choice,” in that customers don’t have a choice. And in Zipcar’s attempt to gain approval from college students by using a more lackadaisical vernacular, the plan is perfect “if the thought of a monthly commitment gives you the shivers, you aren't sure how often you'll drive, or "you own a car, but have the occasional need for another buggy.” Yes, if you're afraid of short-term commitment, then long-term commitment is for you!
Students that have no sense of a transportation routine don’t seem to benefit much either, as a $66-68 day fee exceeds the cost of daily gasoline expenses that most students with vehicles have. Let's look at Gainesville, Florida. Even if students drive a hefty 15 miles a day, at the local average of $3.40/gallon, their daily gas expense falls at $51. Nonetheless, Zipcar acknowledges those who are already own a car, offering them outrageous rental fees if they “have the occasional need for another buggy." The need, of course, is specific to wealthy drivers who already have a car and use outdated slang like "buggy." Although the 180 “free” miles are a bonus compared to other rental car companies that cater to people who actually need rental cars and not college students. Zipcar knows these miles are a good deal. Well, a good deal on Zipcar's end, because most college students don't need to drive 180 miles in a day, but this allows Zipcar to charge the exorbitant prices they do.
I don't want to leave out the other cities and universities with a Zipcar presence, so let's conclude with my favorite Zipcar infograph, found on the "Is Zipcar for me?" section.
Oh come on. There are better solutions to all of these scenarios. The statement "I want to do my part to take care of the planet" has never been uttered before the words "I should rent a Zipcar." Let's pretend that Zipcar isn't grasping at straws by claiming that they've hopped on
the environmentally-friendly bandwagon. I don't know what mathematical formula they used to come up with 1(Zipcar)=(15)cars, but it somehow adds up to the 180 miles you get to drive in a day. MATH!
But what if "I want to save money?" Easy: don't rent a Zipcar. Zipcar customers that save more than $500 compared to car ownership don't get to own that car. And don't you dare tell me this is a better alternative than a taxi. Taxis beat Zipcar, no contest. You call up a taxi cab, he comes by and scoops you up and drops you where you want and he's gone. With the Zipcar, you're stuck with the car, but not stuck long enough to claim ownership. Also, you're paying hourly for however long you're staying at where you need to be, and you have to bring the car back to the Zipcar parking lot. Let me reiterate this again - against anything, Zipcar loses, NO CONTEST.
